Reasons for Traveling

I've been posed an interesting question repeatedly in many of my placements.

"Why don't you just stay?"

I'm searching. Not sure what I'm searching for, and that lack of target is tempting me to consider doing a real job search and settling down in an area. Quite possibly the Greenville, SC area due to the level of already established good friends in that area. Get a house. Buy a dog. Annoy friends by dropping in on them and planning get togethers. Immerse myself in church functions and activities. Build a reputation in my field for being a good therapist to send patients.

Life is about having good times with friends, right? Or is it about finding general happiness? Or is about always doing a good job, even in bad circumstances? Or is it about experiencing as much as possible in as little time as possible? Or is it about family?

What is it all about?

Maybe that's the target. I can't deny the fact that if I met a wonderful fellow who I got along with and fell in love with, I'd consider my search complete. But maybe I'm not searching for him. Maybe I'm searching for the target and he'd stop my search and I'd be okay with that.

Maybe my search is to avoid finding out what it's all about because I'd probably muck it up if I tried. If I settled near friends, would they remain my friends or get tired of me? If I settled near family would I ruin those relationships? If I settled down to a job, would I do a poor job despite my best efforts? Would I ever be content or happy with the house, the dog, the husband, the kids? By traveling and moving I never let myself find out the answers.

But traveling has fulfilled more than just running from underlying issues and worries.

It has proven that I can be by myself and not go nuts. It has taught me to be organized. It has taught me to appreciate being the only one on a frozen beach and instead of thinking I'm nuts I think it's the most peaceful thing I've ever experienced. It has taught me to evaluate the importance of material things in my life and I constantly strip myself of needless stuff because it won't fit in the car. I've heard, "you're a great therapist" from enough people in my field and in other fields to begin to believe it. I've seen patient's gain function because of my involvement in their life. I've heard "you are such a nice person" enough from people to begin to believe it. I've met people who I can't figure out and I've begun to find peace in that as well. You can't get along with everyone, but you can work beside them and still get stuff done.

I have more to learn, both in my field and in general. I also have some more need to travel within me. I want to see more, again both in my field and in general. It's all very complicated and self centered, but surely there will be a nice use for all the experiences, places and skills I've picked up along the way? Something that I'll be able to pass to others? That won't be so self centered?

The simple answer to the initial repeated question is: "I haven't found him yet."

Quietly, in my mind, I add, (and because that'd stop my search).